The weather has been a constant source of concern and surprise for as long as humans have gathered to shoot the breeze. It is the one subject that will attract comment and furrow-browed expert opinion from just about any person on this planet. The weather –or seeming lack of enough of a particular type of weather- is the universal conversation starter in all cultures in all circumstances. Weather is the basic unit of small talk.

Climate change is not a myth. Anyone old enough to say things like “I remember when that used to cost only…” is old enough to complain about how the weather is not what it used to be. The weather has been changing forever, and there are at least a million reasons why it should and will. Climate Science as presented to the public, however, is so much hogwash, unsupported theories by charlatans who call themselves scientists, paid-for excuses to blame Joe Public for deliberate and globally-scaled atmospheric manipulation projects wreaking havoc with our health and welfare. Public debates on climate change revolve around false theories by corporate employees with doctorate degrees, whose only claim to fame is rhetoric and public indoctrination. Before you dismiss this insult to climate scientists, first show me one theory or formula by the carbon gurus, just one discussion, conversation or public debate, show me one climate change advertisement that includes this one fact: there are at least 54 countries with official weather modification programmes running right now, with a reported 47 companies involved in USA alone.

What? No-one told you there are governments and private companies involved in weather modification? Go Google MORGELLONS, just for the weather modification numbers. The scary disease stories are just a bonus for you to start worrying about. Worrying about changing weather is as natural as worrying about food and shelter. Worrying about pollution, however, has been discouraged ever since people realised that living near industrial smokestacks blackens your lungs and lives. That is why poor people live “conveniently close to their place of employ”, while the rich tend to build their houses on hills and ridges, where the fresh wind lives. Back in the seventies, people started making jokes about selling bottled fresh air in San Francisco, or parking-meter type dispensers, where asthmatic pedestrians could insert a coin and breathe freely of the clean fresh air pumped for as long as the coin holds. We joked about how they found a way to tax our very breath. Those breathing stations have not become common, but those who would tax our oxygen found a clever work-around to avoid our ridicule: instead of taxing your oxygen (surely a god-given right even unto atheists?) they found a way to tax our small-talk, and they call it the Carbon Tax. No, rather, we plebs call it carbon tax, but the Carbon Investor calls it free money from fools. This conversation is not about carbon taxes, but as an aside I wish to point out that Carbon Credits is just fake money used in a silly game. The money is created by being very rich and owning very dirty industrial processes. Your personal contribution to the destruction of the environment is rewarded by allowing you to claim millions and billions in so-called carbon credits, which you can exchange with other rich polluters, and the score is kept in this game by using tax monies to subsidise these fictitious credits. This is how you and I are paying for yachts and casino ‘hostesses’ when we cannot even afford a balanced diet for our children. King Carbon, aka the Melting Ice Bear, is the Gamesmaster, and he was given divine appointment to decide who deserves how many credits, and collect actual real money as fees for running the scam. Those fees, once again, are paid from public funds, and remember that subsidies are nothing but the dispersion of public funds to compensate losses incurred due to a faulty (corrupted, always corrupted) business model. Like soy beans, a poisonous emergency crop subsidised to the status of staple food.

Anyway, back to the weather: Climate Terrorism (commanding officer King Carbon Melting Ice Bear) depends on two facets of modern urban life for its continued scare value:

  1. Urban people live indoors. City people hardly ever notice the weather. Everything is air-conditioned, curtained, neon-lit and generally the same day to day. The occasional blizzard or hurricane might make itself noticeable, but let me tell you, as long as the electrix keep on, city people make their own weather, it is their god-given right. Besides which, no-one’s growing corn on Fifth Avenue, what’s the weather worth?
  2. NEWS. Not olds, NEWS. Urban people, apparently, have no recollection of yesterday’s news. Today’s news is big business, it is the most popular form of entertainment, the news told people the Truth since time immemorial, but yesterday’s truth is today’s fable, old wives’ tale, long ago, we want NEWS. This is why politicians can lie differently every day; this is the actual theme of that famous paranoiac’s handbook, 1984. Big Brother is just a faceless faux character, a committee, the Man, he’s been around a long time. The main character, the romantic hero of the story, his job is to change the news in yesterday’s papers, in case somebody goes back to yesterday’s news reports to confirm his doubts about today’s news. All the social media giants are now scrambling to program their servers (artificial intelligences) to keep the news up to date with the NEWS, closing accounts with old news (sometimes called Fake News), censoring conversations ( sources of radicalisation), creating fake accounts proliferating the official NEWS (to de-radicalise the conversation). People do not remember yesterday’s news. Only far-right-wing-white-supremacist-neo-nazi fascists and their fundamentalist-jihadi-muslim co-anti-semites ever read yesterday’s paper. Probably because it is hanging from a nail in their outdoor privies, where they keep their extra guns. Those people are the Deplorables who do not realise they are required to keep up with the NEWS.

Again we digress. Sum up: The majority of voters, tax evaders and subsidy-managers live in big cities. They do not really have a lifetime of experiencing the very many different weathers the average rural child sees in a week. City voters also feel too sophisticated to bother with olds, and they live on NEWS. This means you can change your story by the hour, and they just think the plot has progressed somewhat. Also, city people as a whole are traders, not tradespeople, they know accounting, not science or even a little geography. New Yorkers are famous for saying things like “Australia, yeah, that’s German, it’s overseas, next to England or something.” Educated New Yorkers, mind you, not homeless bums, who tend to be ex-soldiers and factory workers, often with at least high school science. Who in New York spends his day watching the clouds and worrying about the wind direction? City People have no right to tell anyone about weather, yet it is still the standard conversation starter. And now, apparently, the weather is changing. Oh boo. Still, as we said, the weather is the basic unit, the conversational catalyst, the universal ‘I have nothing to say, but lets us sound unthreatening and interested/ing.’ Funny thing, in a world where hardly no-one even knows nothing about how the seasons come about. Do you know what causes the seasons?

Imagine, if you will, the circle the earth draws around the sun. Oh, you thought it is an ellipse? Well, technically, yes, but apparently, that deviation from perfect roundness is around one percent, the human eye only perceives an ellipse at around 4% distortion of the circle. So everyone that thought the seasons happen because of our distance to the sun, sit down, listen up and relax, no-one called you misinformed. Rearrange your picture of the circling earth, so you can see the tilt of the earth’s axis, and remember, that tilt is always in the same direction, at an angle just over 20 degrees.

 If it starts left bottom and goes to top right, then, the whole year, from your vantage point, that axis will stay aligned in that direction. Note that, when the earth is to the right of the sun, it is winter at the North Pole, and when the earth is to the left of our imaginary sun, summer happens in Helsinki. In between is spring and autumn, of course, but winter is when the axis tilts you further from the sun than it does the opposing hemisphere. Spring and autumn equinoxes (equinii?) obviously have both hemispheres share equally in the light, giving us the 12-hour light of those two days.

You know those little bits of lead they put on car wheels to balance them? Imagine the earth as a wheel, spinning around that axis, and now imagine this giant wheel needed a little balance block thingy? I mean, certainly the continents and mountains and gold deposits are not perfectly arranged for a perfectly balanced earth wheel? No, it is not balanced, and that is why, just like in a car with a ‘speed wobble’, the earth’s axis wobbles slightly. Go back to your mental image of the sun, and to the right of it, the earth on its axis at 23 degrees to the right. Summer in the south, winter in the north, right? Now lift that axis right up, zero degrees tilt, where is winter now? Of course, this happens over years and decades, but noticeably in one man’s lifetime, that angle changes just enough that the weather does indeed “change” locally. That single little eccentricity can give cause to many an occasion for “…hallo, nice to meet, how’s this frigging weather, heh?” The very same pickup line used by Urcgh the caveman when he dragged Urwilla to the cave.

Let us now consider the circling of our planet around the sun in one year, or 365 days, or is that 366, oh dear, it is time to add a day to February or May, or lose four like that time not long ago. Who cares, long as Christmas happens, right? The important thing is that the earth’s rotation around the sun does not perfectly correspond to some perfect annual frequency. There is the gravitational effects of our moon, and the other planets have their own gravitational fields that interact (interfere) with the earth’s oscillations. The earth is being pushed and pulled and wobbled-waggled in all directions, even up and down!

Let’s go back to our mental orrery (ball model of the solar system) and put the earth back as we started: To the right of the sun, at a ‘healthy’ 23 degree angle; summer in Antarctica, winter in Alaska. Let it circle, and see the seasons change, winter, summer, winter, summer. Now, let the earth drop down below the equator of the sun. Come on, drop it enough, so that, no matter where the earth stands, the south pole is in darkness, while the north pole sees constant sun. What happened to summer and winter now? It is still there, but Europe will ‘never’ see snow again, whereas Australia will turn into icy tundra. Wanna talk some weather, mate? Let me get me snow-shovel and a frozen frostie.


Of course, the pictures are out of scale, and the variances exaggerated, but it should serve to explain the gross processes our planet is subject to, and how local climate will change accordingly. Humans, or at least the most dehumanised, and their impoverished employees, are causing untold destruction to the environment, but with a little bit of serious effort, that can be cleaned up. That would of course affect dividends and profit scores, so instead we point at natural planetary processes and blame the working class for changing the weather. That means this theory I just shared with you, is of no value at all, because it leaves no place for fake taxes, and people will not be terrorised by lonely melting ice bears. However, if you found it interesting, I dare you to a bit of mental ballet, and pull your viewpoint way back. Keep the sun centre, but include not only the earth and moon, and all the planets, and comets, and Planet X if you will, pull further back, until you see the sun as but a small star circling a humongous mass of radiating whatchamacallit that is the centre of our galaxy. Now start including the effects on our environment by our entire solar system changing position in relation to a radiant mass that makes our sun invisible and insignificant by comparison, and how many people have lived long enough to observe THAT weather modification programme…but old texts speak of it, ‘the Age of the Stunted Rat’ or ‘the Era of the Vociferous Bull’ is one way we keep track of this phenomenon, apparently you need calendars that count 26 000 years or more at a time to deal with these cycles.

King Carbon and his ilk are taxing your small-talk, and every time you nod at them, you are taking part in the planned murder of billions of humans because the earth has “become too small” to feed us and it is all because of “human-made climate change”. Eugenicists are vile creatures to a human-like parasite, every one of them. Eugenicists cannot utter two sentences without adding something to the effect that the scum are busy overpopulating their earth, and we all need to die to make place for the deserving few. Mass migration is the answer, the question is; how civilised are we going to be about this? The cities are flooding, clear up and plant crops, the fields are drying out, build your paved cities there. That is the solution, otherwise the barren ground will bear nothing but continued poverty for the non-investing classes, while arable land will lie waste because it serves as a buffer zone between the yacht owners and the hungry mobs who paid for the boats.

 But seriously, chemtrails are real, and they are affecting local weather, and even if we must continue spreading disease and poison from aeroplanes, can we stop blaming the poor, and let the rich pay for their own games, we have nothing left to give. But that is part of the plan, soon we will be so hungry and desperate, we will gladly partake in the next war, which is sure to be the War to End all Wars. Just like 1914, 1939, 2001 and now the War on Terror. What if Man-Made Climate Change causes the ‘accidental’ release of nerve gas across entire subcontinents, you know how unpredictable the weather can be… The Carbon King will have the latest Gucci Gasmask, the Paedophile Presidents prefer Prada, even Drywell Willy is sure to survive, never you mind. Our Leaders will build a new society, free and fair and beautiful and everyone will be farting Chanel #5. Just as soon as they make this world free of dirty and diseased poor making demands on their betters and the environment they need to exploit for private gain. Climate terrorism is real, and it serves as a powerful weapon against independent agriculture and subsistence farming. The gods forbid we keep feeding ourselves, with no dependence upon those who can afford weather modification. As if genetic perversion, systemic poisoning and seed corruption and unproven viral epidemics are not working fast enough to destroy 'unlicensed' farming, all under the guise of 'food security'. we are eagerly (not!) awaiting the outbreak of carrot flu and potatopoop viruses, as an excuse to burn down or salt all non-aligned vegetable farming operations.

Names above were disguised to avoid legal discomfort. Lately people have been jailed and killed for insulting the perpetrators, but information about Al Gore and the Clintons and the rest is freely available on the ‘Net for the time being. Google has already started making documents ‘inaccessible’ on the eCloud, inaccessible even to the authors themselves… 

Super Foods and Super Profits and Super Gullibility and Super-Just-Eat-Properlies…and now vitamins help Scizophrenia.

Which is your favourite Super-food? Some exotic berry from Watapaloosa, some rare grass from Groyndjingfjort? Maybe that new sweet-potato from just west of GMO Gully? At GREENPETS, we grow just regular stuff. Super foods must be for super people, and we are just ordinary home-grown organic plebs. No GMO in these veins, or beds, orchards and fields. We eat food, normal food, and we try to avoid preservatives and over-processed gunk. Super Foods? Super profits on hyped-up marketing claims. Super foods fall into the same category as cancer cures; it fails miserably to solve the manufactured problem as advertised. The nutritional crisis of the world is not going to be solved by ever-more exotic  supplements at ever-increasing prices.

There is one Super-food; a Balanced Diet. A balanced diet of fresh food. The latest wonder-supplement will treat your psychosis: taurine! Just the other day we decided it is not such a bright idea to use taurine as supplement, for those who thought it a good idea to start with. Taurine is an amino acid. Amino acids build genes, genes build RNA and DNA, which builds proteins, which builds organisms…there is a lot of taurine in the average living organism. Just saying…

The same argument holds for vitamins and minerals, I guess. The nutritional hurdle is death. Once the organism dies, taurine is just an amino acid. When the amino acid partakes in the ordered existence of a conscious being, such as any living cell, it is not a static ‘thing’ hanging somewhere in space and time. It is a very complex chemical-spatial arrangement with some motility. This image must be repeated a billion times to get an idea of one small section of a cell. The moment you take that enzyme from its living environment, it ceases to be an enzyme, it becomes a static arrangements of molecules, an arrangement of a type labelled ‘amino acids’ for recording purposes.

Some foods are indeed ‘richer’ in this vitamin or that, this trace mineral or that, but if you line up all your so-called superfoods, one for every mineral you think you need, you may find there is much more than you can eat. If you had to run after every ‘super’ food, you would never stop eating. In the end, a regular, balanced selection of fruits, vegetables and greens, in season, should do you well. A little meat is nice, but the fat is actually what you need. Meat is ‘rich’ in protein, but so are many legumes, nuts and grains. Amino acids, as discussed above, are best obtained from live organisms, putting you at the mercy of greens. A leaf can stay alive for days after being picked; the average reaction to taking a bite out of a live cow involves the Law. Just saying…

So, instead of telling me about super-foods, hyper-additives and wonder supplements, rather tell me where the nearest farm co-op or fresh vegetable market is. Oh, on the other side of my province? Actually the adjacent two provinces’ markets are closer to me. I could go to my local veggie shop, for some mass-produced, nutritionally worthless dead matter that could either be the stuff the supermarkets did not want, or the leftovers flown in from that big farm in the desert. It certainly is limp and tasteless, which is why we started growing our own. Farming is not really in our blood, it is hard work and steep learning curves, most literature is aimed at producing tons of the watery stuff described above. It is about disastrous crop infestations and crippling flock infections, organic farming is, especially if you know nothing to start with.

We are fully aware that farming in the kitchen is a nonsense idea. There are still a few people around who can actually farm, and we better get them to teach us, for they are getting old, very old. Factory farming in faraway places is not going to feed us. They will stuff us with dead proteins and rendered fats and refined sugars until we are bloated and cancer-ridden and they will not stop until we have spent our last red cent on medical help that is designed to serve a product to clients. If we are what we eat, then these days, we are genetically modified, vitamin-enriched, roundup-ready chemistry sets living off dead organic matter imported all the way from the Big Farm at great cost. Expensive, zombies, that’s what we are…or rather, zombies with ever-more expensive tastes in dead food.

There is no warm-blooded animal on the Greenpets farm that dislikes honey. There is no substance, no matter how distasteful, that cannot be fed to an animal, provided it has enough honey in it, on it or around it. A dollop of honey at the bottom of a drinking bowl is motivation enough for a dog to slurp trough the bitterest medicinal tea, for is the treasure under there not worth the bit of goo I have to lick out of the way? Of course it is, it is pure, raw, unadulterated non-irradiated food of the gods, and I’m gonna get me some.

An easy recipe for a passable skin cream

Collect Aloe Vera gel as described in the HERBAL. The amount of gel you collect determines the quantities that follow:

Half as much aqueous cream. Choose any brand you are comfortable with, we recommend you research some of the additives on the labels. Avoiding them is an exercise worthy of any holist, but everything comes at a price.

Water, distilled battery water is okay, also half as much as you have aloe gel.

Put all this into a liquefier that has been sterilised with a bleach solution. Let it run at top speed until everything turns into a stiff cream. Bottle in sterile container, use like any other cream.

This cream contains no preservatives, and will last one week. Microwaving the cream, then re-emulsifying it once cooled down, extends life but is still not as effective as the commercial cocktails we are trying to avoid. The cream, however, covers extremely well, and draws into the skin with minimal or no oiliness, adjustable by putting more or less cold cream into the mix.

The odour is that of green plant and whatever your commercial cream smells like, but both odours seems to dissipate quickly.

While we make no claims or promises for this cream, it sure works well to sooth irritable skin and it is gentle on rashes and soft skin, especially thóse areas. Research on turning this into a beauty product continues, for now it is just a healthy clean skin cream, provided you choose the aqueous cream well.

Treating skin wounds start by diagnosing the problem. For this reason, we may divide this article into subsections according to diagnoses, or causes, or skin symptoms of a vast variety. Instead we will divide our treatments into two types: Dry wounds and wet wounds. Dry wounds may be distinguished by the fact that they are not festering or oozing some goo. Bleeding from a fresh wound is considered as ‘dry’. Dry wounds are best kept clean and dry and well aired. Fresh dry wounds have a fairly well proven protocol:

Clean the wound immediately. No matter how bad it is bleeding, sometimes blood is the only liquid available for getting debris out the wound. All other attempts to repair damage will be negated by the festering of dirt inside a bandaged wound. The most bestest substance to wash a wound with was and is always water. Clean water, but the stuff they feed you through your house’s taps will do in an emergency. If the wound is still bleeding by this time, you need serious help. Start by applying pressure, not a tourniquet.

Finding the right point to press may take some time, but if the wound is bleeding badly, there must be a large vein open, which can be closed down by pressing it shut before it exits the wound. This should allow time for further treatment. At GREENPETS, this implies you are reaching for the Sphagnum Moss. Some of our friends and colleagues who have seen us demonstrate the efficacy of this stuff, refer to it as Magic Moss. Cover the wound liberally in the moss. This will soak up blood and keep the wound uninfected.

Here be some warning about using sphagnum moss: you are obviously in distress (wounded) and depending upon the severity of you wound, on your way to find medical assistance. When you approach a trained professional with a wound stuffed with something that looks like mud, you will be treated as an idiot. Also, the quick healing of a wound bandaged with moss necessitates very quick secondary treatment to prevent scars. In other words, as soon as the wound stops bleeding, you have to remove every last bit of moss, and get stitched up. If not, the gaping wound will heal quickly and cleanly, but with a wider scar than if it got stitched.

Sphagnum Moss is easily removed from a wound by gentle splashing with water. That’s it, it comes off very easily, and it simultaneously scrubs the wound of other small debris. Keeping the wound bandaged with moss instead of other salves, ointments and concoctions, will keep your wound breathing clean healing air, while soaking up any fluids that may ooze, which would otherwise irritate surrounding skin. Also, changing bandages becomes less yucky with those funny pussy fluids of normal treatments, except that the dried moss may fall like potting soil all over, the slightest breeze scatters it. What’s left on the wound just rinses off, remember. Good luck sweeping the carpet, though…

Then, there are the wet wounds. An example would be the patch of skin torn off your knee in the parking lot football game. Fresh wet wounds are treated like dry wounds, and if you gone done it proper, it should not become a wet wound. After cleaning the wound, which should be easier and less bloody work than a deep cut, the wound can be covered in the juice of Sourfig. This will disinfect and also dry into a thin protective payer. Keep the wound clean and breathing, with regular applications of Sourfig. Instructions for the correct application of sourfig can be found at the Sourfig Herbal Page.

Once the wound has dried nicely, and can be kept open and free, a generous layer of Aloe Vera can be applied. This will quickly dry into a thin, soft, pliable protective layer over the skin. This will keep the wound clean, protect the new scar tissue against light and stress, reducing or even preventing scarring after the wound heals. There is no reason to stop applying Aloe after the wound has healed; keep it up until you are sure there is no more improvement in the appearance of the scar. This is not cosmetic surgery, scar tissue means healing, but scar tissue is new-born baby skin, it should be treated no more harshly than you would a new-born baby’s skin. Sunburn turns a fresh, treatable scar into permanent disfigurement.

For old, green, festering wounds, things become tricky; people with such wounds very often have given up trying to find ‘anything that works’. Sometimes the cause is financial, or just a question of access. In all cases, the wound is old, which means the patient has sorta gotten used to living with the wound. This may or may not mean that they will co-operate. By this time, any offer of help will surely be met with scepticism, as ‘everyone has already tried’. You first task is to get past the hopelessness.  Both the refusal of help and the demand for immediate results to prove your competency must be taken in the context of a desperate person who has obviously ‘tried everything’.  Do not get pulled into the despair, because the next step will surely need your energy more:

Getting past the green smell of an old wound is no walk in the park. All living organisms retreat from its own kind if it stinks of death. Breathe not too deeply of the death-smell, it has effects more than just wrinkling your nose. Kind begets kind, remember. Next, you must convince the patient that the thing needs cleaning. Any skins and scabs and things on the surface has to be removed, with repeated washing with water, clean water, sterile water if you can. A good soak in salt water may be helpful, otherwise repeated sponging or brushing. If available, make a tea of one or more, preferably all the following: Lavender, thyme, sage and rosemary. These are available in most urban neighbourhoods as garden plants, and in shops as cooking herbs. GREENPETS prefer their tea herbals fresh, purely by reason of knowing exactly what we have in hand. Scrub the wound clean with this tea, convince the patient to keep washing the wound thusly, and also have the patient drink the tea twice a day as systemic support to aid healing. Cold sores and open ulcers respond well to this treatment.

After cleaning an old green wound of all putrefied matter, disinfect with sourfig. Dust with moss and bandage if needed. At all cost avoid getting a wound all sweaty and fermenting. The trick is to keep the wound open to air while keeping infection out, and bacterial infectors are microscopic.

For wounds where scarring would be cosmetically disastrous, keep your treatment to first aid, get the patient to professional help, and try rinse off the moss before you send them in. The good doctors will do the expensive things needed to prevent any prettiness escaping through the laceration. Trust me, you do not want to be saddled with the accusations that you ruined a pretty thing. They will only remember the scar, not the gratitude for saving their life or limb. If the good doctor kills them, that’s life, if you scar them, you are an evil incompetent, beware their lawyers.

You cannot deny the urge, the urge that brings even Superman to his knees. Then, you sit down, and nothing happens. Some people have real difficulty getting going, and worst of it all is, the harder it gets, the harder it becomes, until you feel like stuffed death. If it gets real bad, your breath can start smelling real shitty, but mostly constipation leads to discomfort, then nausea, then progressive disaster and flatulence, until you approach total toxic overdose  Pooping is not just for any a-hole, and modern life is making it harder.

Some people spend more time on potty training their dog than they spend on their own digestive system. As other articles on this site point out, the digestive tract is a conscious entity, containing not only its own neuro-receptors, but also communicating with the brain on a dedicated communication channel, so to speak. Your health, your wellness, your mood, your very character is directly influenced by the goings-on inside that long, squiggly hole between our lips and our toilet bowl. Not pooping right can give you a shitty disposition…

Also, falling behind in the business of your behind, is sure to tax your liver, giving rise to lethargy and nausea, in other words, feeling shitty. If you keep this going for a long time, your health will definitely take a knock, and there is also a solid-looking theory that constipation, if allowed to ferment, sends a farty bubbly up your spine, to your brain, where it gives rise to shitty ideas. This may or may not be true, but why risk it, right? So take a dump every day, early as possible, before breakfast, and everything should be all right. Of cause, you are reading this because you are having issues and hoping we got some usable advice, so let’s get to it:

Are you drinking enough water? Dehydration can cause your waste to compact and harden slightly. Even more important is greens. Are you eating greens? You really should, and fruit also helps a lot to loosen the tummy. A waking-up coffee helps to get the day going, if you take my meaning. Make it a strong one, it really helps. Beyond coffee there is a variety of commercial help, none of which is beneficial in the long run. After fixing your diet, water intake and getting addicted to coffee, there is one more bit of advice to depart, the real reason for this article: Are you pooping in the right posture?

Here is the thing about sitting down and dropping the load: all modern toilets are made to standard. This may mean your toilet seat is not at the optimal height for your body to have a goodly poopy. First of all, do not hunch. Do not lean forward and squat on your own lap. Sit up straight, your back should not bend. Put something (like a brick) under your feet, so your knees are higher than your bum. I bet the Muslims have it very comfortably, I’ve seen their loos at petrol stations; like squatting over a hole in the bush. You don’t get much better than that, let me tell you! So, sit up straight, lift your knees a little, and BREATHE! This is very important, stop pushing your poop out by force; it just causes more stress to an already unhappy system. All the necessary force needed to evacuate the bowels comes from the diaphragm pushing from above. All other forms of ‘pushing’ compresses the guts in an unhealthy and counterproductive way, actually closing the passage down, rather than just loosening up and letting go.

Another thing is that the bladder also plays a part. When the bladder is very full, it constricts the faeces. When you are overstuffed in your poopchannel, your bladder cannot void. This builds into the classic bathroom emergency. Another thing you can try is to get up. No, really, you are stuck anyway, it’s not like it’s gonna all fall out suddenly, so get up, shake a leg, maybe do a squat or two. This often gets things going rather quickly, so don’t pull your pants up and be ready to sit down suddenly. The chances of pooping before you had a pee, by the way, are little.

The order should be as follows: A slight pee to top off the worst pressure, if needed, then the bowels should be free to move, and then you know you’re done when you have one last, good pee. Any deviation from this is bound to lead to trouble later. Try not to pinch things off in any manner or way, do not push, pull, pucker or whatever, just sit up straight, lift your knees , breathe deeply, and relax all the muscles in your body. If needed, get up and shake the body a bit, in a relaxation-exercise kind of way. Avoid stress, tension and forcefulness. These things, like medication and laxatives, may help in the short run, but in the end it just worsens the problem., and that’s a shitty idea, don’t you stink?

The Greenpets Triad of Hope:




Our first concern should be to clean up our poisoned landscape to protect our children. Only by living that philosophy is anyone likely to try hard at it. For us it could be too late, but we can minimise existing damage and limit further corruption of our living organism selves.

A licensed health practitioner would supply advice on a page like this. We can't, but here are the things we use.

Dani and her Nikon looking at the world.

Purpose-built and innovative helpful structures

The art of brewing, distilling and hydration of the body with the products thereof.

The principles of conforming the diet to the digestive characteristics of man, animal and plant alike.

Our animals, your animals and all the things that makes life better for animals.

Everything we know about Dragons that might be useful to someone else.

Not those weird feathered flu-taxis that grow to slaughter weight in four weeks. Real chickens, free chickens

The ultimate bug-out vehicle. Off-road, in water, and it can love you back.

What life tortoise about snailosauruses

Keeping, Feeding and Breeding Budgies in Gauteng

Keeping, training, Feeding, Breeding cats in Gauteng

Gardening without modern poisons is a challenge, and understanding the lifecycle of your enemies takes some observation.

the GREENPETS attempt at avoiding, voiding and overcoming the poisoned food chain.

The list of herbs at Greenpets. Identification and Propagation or at least how to keep it alive in Gauteng.