So, I may not tell you anything that may be construed as medical advice, I have not the knowledge to tell you about the chemistry of each leaf and how it inhibits the whatsisnames from bedoofling your constrificator. As interesting as those things are, they are the records of a person, usually a student at a well-funded university, peering at a closed system, and changing variables so he can build a database of results, which can then be statistically analysed to see if the experiment was “successful”. Just so you know, any real scientist reading words like “unsuccessful experiment’ cringes, so I am being sarcastic here. Not at any profession, or methodology, just the way the current methodology is applied, mostly by eugenicists with delusions of adequacy. But what I need to tell you is even more suspect, but my research is Open Source, in other words, while I read the same stuff as everybody else, I sometimes draw different conclusions. So, please feel free to check on the veracity of my information sources, many of them are themselves suspect, and you may make a few bucks proving them wrong, who knows.

I am not a professional journalist, neither am I trying to win a scientific degree, so I am allowed some slack on formal logic and I do not have to get up and scour my bookshelves for the exact author and date for my references. I just do not care that much to convince anyone, and besides, if what I say has value, some kid with enough money for a real education can use it for his dissertation, no-one will even know he plagiarised an African subsistence farmer. Who cares, if it happens, it will save lives, how much can I demand in payment for a seminal idea? That’s right, only rich Brothers ever get that sort of patent. So here goes with my theory on vitamins, drugs and herbal medicine: The Doctrine of signatures. As you see, that explains a lot. Thank you, good night.

 Clap clap clap, thank you ladies and gentlemen, come back next week, we have Willy Winters and his Scooby-Doo band playing Christmas Favourites in July. Now remember to pick up your programme from the lobby. Exit audience.

 You want more information? I told you I am not qualified, but here goes:

 The Doctrine of Signatures is old-speak, when people still valued the opportunity to hear things, and enjoyed the privilege of reading things, so everything they said and wrote mattered. A bit like, twenty years ago, you would not even think of wasting computer memory on saving stupid cat videos, you saved only your most important data, and maybe a few movies on those expensive new disks. These days we publish anything and anything, the value thereof is of no concern, and publication is virtually free. This particular document is a case example. Anyway, the word 'doctrine' can be replaced by working theory, branch of science. Signature just sounds better than signs or signals. In modern-speak, we can call it the theory of morphological resonance. Don’t you just love Rupert Sheldrake’s work? I came across it almost twenty years ago, and I immediately adopted his theories as the long-awaited counter to blind evolution. Yes, Darwin was not half as stupid as later generations and their confirmation biases portrayed him, I am talking about the way Darwinism is taught. Sheldrake was the first guy, in my opinion, that made good enough sense to hang a paradigm upon, and it also explained so much that was previously unthinkable, because of our bias against primitive knowledge. Morphic Resonance is actual modern science in support of mythical fairy tales such as the Doctrine of Signatures. As usual, we first digress:

It has now fairly conclusively been proven that vitamin supplements are no more than a way to produce expensive urine. The body does not absorb much, if anything, of those little pills we pray by. Thousands of recorded blood tests have shown no increased vitamin levels in blood after taking vitamin supplements. Yet we have tons of data suggesting, even proving, that we need to take these minerals in, or suffer bad health. But taking the vitamins as pills do not increase vitamin levels in the blood. Certain foods, on the other hand, seem to do the trick. Easy,” isolate the active ingredient” and put that in a pill. Nope, doesn’t work. Use extracts, or raw food, and it works, but once again, we cannot find where these so-called vitamins crossed the barrier from digestive tract to blood. Because it doesn’t. It does not have to. It merely must exist in proximity to the system that replicates that particular form. This molecule will then ‘spontaneously’ be generated by the body itself, thus supplying the needed ‘vitamin’. Because I do not quite understand vitamin theory, I cannot go further than that, but it serves as an example recorded by the Establishment, no proof from me needed. Of course, in my own ego, I have to wonder about vitamins. If I do not understand them after some effort, does this mean no-one understands it well enough to explain it to an idiot like me? I always feel the proof of your own understanding is the ability to explain your subject to a five-year-old. Let us see if I can explain the Doctrine of Signatures to a toddler.

Uncle Sheldrake wrote a beautiful book about how the shapes of things tend to influence the forming shapes around them. Some crystal can be convinced to grow in different geometries by ‘seeding’ them with one of a limited set of shapes that suits the system we are looking at. Molecules fit to each other at certain angles, and those angles limit the variety of shapes they can form, but those variations can be influenced, sometimes at a distance or even over time. Please read Rupert Sheldrake’s New Science for Life. This little book shall teach you one simple concept that makes ten million old ideas obsolete, and creates a billion very interesting new questions, a veritable intellectual jungle gym, even if you are a scientist.  The most important thing about Sheldrake’s doctrine is its universal application. His simple little theory is of value in cellular biology, inorganic chemistry, education, politics, religion, sport, everything you care for, has an aspect that can be better explained by Morphic Resonance. This is the difference between a theory and a universal law. Sheldrake has found/defined a universal law, and it turns out to be so simple.

 Which brings me to the Doctrine of Signatures: That, which looks like a thing, has power of that thing. A leaf in the shape of your heart should be good –or bad- for your heart. Hearts are not shaped like Valentine kisses, so stop chewing the carrot from that end. Liverwort, an old folk remedy, is a fungus, the insides of which looks exactly like you just cut into a liver. Kidney wort really helps for arthritis, which is to be a symptom of overstressed and failing kidneys. The leaves are kidney-shaped and prominently veined. The shape, external or external may correspond to some organ, or the smell of a bruised flower is the same as that produced by a particular disease, or the root, cut through, displays a perfect picture of an eye, pupil and iris, like carrots, and we all know what carrots are good for.

 Why are apples good for you? I don’t know, but for now I can work with the theory that something about apples seem to kick-start that vitamin-producing mechanism. Of course, if I had money to spend on such research, I would really like to know why the system needs occasional kick-starting, but I would also try find out how it actually works. The problem is, research today exists for the sole purpose of finding something to patent. I wonder who will patent the Human Vitamin Production System. Then we all get fines when we interfere with it by eating fruit, because you are only allowed the patented (and expensive) Production Immunity Stimulatory Supplement. This would be every investor’s dream; owning the vitamin industry, with an incorporated production facility in every human body. I wonder how they plan to market the by-product; it shall certainly crop up in our food chain. The way their synthetic hormones have?

 Almost entirely, modern medicine relies on poisoning the so-called pathogens that make us sick, or in many cases, they poison you until the parasite or whatever dies or leaves to find better accommodation. It is well understood that the body’s fever system is there to kill off lesser organisms that cannot stand the heat, literally, yet  every pharmacist is falling over its collective feet to sell you stuff to prevent fevers. A cough is the only way for your lungs to cleanse themselves, yet the world is addicted to ‘cough medicine’. A runny nose is your mucous membranes filling in extra duty for your kidneys, but our first reaction is to find something to dry out the snot. Modern medicine shall not look for the resonance system producing vitamins; they will keep looking for ways to sell us vitamins, even when they themselves laugh at the idiocy. Unless they can find a way to compromise that system, ‘proving’ thereby our reliance on their pills. If you have a new testament bible, go see John’s story about the entire world needing an annual dose of holy water just to stay alive. Every pharmaceutical company out there is looking for that holy water, and they are working together to make sure we will need that holy water. Poison them , then cure them, a very old trick played by witchdoctors on cavemen, I am sure. Only, cavemen had the option of pushing the poisoning bastard off a cliff before he killed another child.