To understand how any medicine works, you have to understand how the human body works. To understand the human body, knowledge of ‘lesser’ anatomy is useful. This sounds simple enough, and explains why doctors have to study for so long, yes? As a matter of fact, a properly trained witchdoctor only graduates when the one who trained him dies. Some other types of doctors study three or four years, with another year or three of actual practical standing around in hospitals. Some doctors create their own universities and bestow upon themselves magnificent degrees in Nutritional Science, Climate Change Research, even what we shall call Industrial Homeopathy. The result is a huge number of different ways to look at the body, as many ways to interpret the internal system, and a growing number of ways to manipulate things inside the body.

 

So, before I can tell you herbs work, I must first understand your view of the body. In that sense, everyone else is probably wrong, might be causing harm, or, as in most cases, selling useless nostrums and placebos. The worst type placebo is the one that reaches your hand after years and millions spent on research. Not that it might be better or worse quality than comparable placebos, but because that research used up money that could have been spent on education. Or beer. Beer helps far more diseases than aspirin, or try a glass of good wine.

 

Allotropic medicine has command of many useful substances, all of which have one purpose: poison the disease ailing the client, or at least hide the symptoms of that pathogen’s continued existence. The idea is that killing the pathogen is priority, and any aftereffects can be dealt with as they arise. Allo- means, apparently, to have separate forms, distinguishable and never to be united. I guess the term Allotropic Medicine is then meant as an insult by the:

 

Holists. Holism is a grand idea, and we all dream of the unified field theory. The problem with holism is that research in this field relies heavily on old Sanskrit myth, or some inept westernisation of that misunderstood mythology by the likes of Jan Smuts, with his tiresome and self-absorbed tome on holism, or starry-eyed arty types who can feel the vibe. The fame of smutty Jannie’s jabbering gives you an idea of the mentality of the average ‘Holist’. Mainly, holism means “holier than thou”.  Proving yourself in the field of holism seems to require the acquisition of notoriety.  Of course, between Holism and Allotherapy, they own the bulk of the so-called health care industry. Of the holists, we have to make special mention of one special branch of er… medicine:

 

Homeopathy, homeopaths and homeopathetics. Greenpets, will, on demand, make you one of those homeopathic mixythingies, using any safe substance you bring us. We are willing to compete in open double-blind public trials against any of the industrial homeopathetics out there, and if there is any use for homeopathy, our competition will serve the only purpose I can see for such a competition: prove industrially produced homeopathic dilutions are anathema to the very principle of succussion. Their Guru read something in an old text and interpreted it somewhat narrowly. The people who built that famous factory then misinterpreted this second-hand information and corrupted it into an industrial process. It would have been funny, if it was not so sad. Greenpets would be willing to, for a generous fee, tell them what they are doing wrong, but as with Feng Shui, we will not teach charlatans how to better crook their victims, unless they cut us in on the deal. I shall refuse to sign non-disclosure; the world shall giggle with us when all is finished.

 

So, if herbs are not poison, and not placebo, what is it? Herbs contain a nearly infinite variety of substances both organic and inorganic. …and some holism. The substances are identified, separated, amplified and capsulized. By all accounts, those don’t work. I think it might have been A. Crowley who said: “Indians have been chewing coca for millennia, see what happens when you turn it into cocaine. Opium was fine, but you had to make heroin. The substance is not the thing.” I paraphrase wildly. I think separating the substances may do something to the holism, and even we at Greenpets agree, holism is medicine of sorts. We know of only one way to bottle holism, and even that is a touch-and-go thing with low success rate.

 

View, if you will, the human body. Make it somewhat translucent, so we can see the insides. Do not focus on any part, do not think of entrails, that is merely a greyish pink blob centre screen. The heart can be red, okay, pulsate it why don’t you? A bright red blob of pulsating soft focus centre of chest. The heart is between the lungs, not really that far left at all. The brain can be another blob, pulsating, rush rush rushing juices, head to heart to lungs to knees to heart to toes to heart to ears, can you hear all those juices running up and down your body? There was a time when that rushing, mauling, sloppy mess was known as ‘The Humours’. Your humours could be flowing freely and healthily, each part of the juice in its confines at its own pace. The humours could become slow and sluggish, the phlegm, making you phlegmatic. Politicians use the word to admire each other. Sometimes the humours heat up and cause the choler. Not family of cholera. Mean-spiritedness in medical terms.

 

Commercial holism recognises a spiritual faculty flowing (in/on/around/through, this is a matter for dogma) to keep the ‘physical’ parts connected and alive. The religions all hold ownership of holyism, which is only slightly different. At least some holists allow you the occasional change of mind. I see no other obvious differences. Commercial health care denies the existence of anything they cannot make money off of, and they will use the full extent of the law they buy to claim ownership of your health. Things exist when they say it does; mere speculation by one of the Anointed in White Clothes can reshape reality around your nearest pharmacy. It also reshapes reality around your country’s health and welfare budget.

 

To sum up: Herbs are not supposed to poison you, nor have they some sort of magical substance that cures you, and the holism leaks out for no reason.  …and your government probably does not shove money up herbalist’s sphincters. There is the big difference between the allopaths and the rest.

 

Holism is not in an herb. Holyism has been found there…myths abound in your favourite holy book. Holism is not on sale, for hire or even just to lend. Holism is a decision you make to recognise the absence of ‘physical’ parts without the gushing flow of goo in/around/through it all. Every sliver of you is composed of smaller systems and subsystems, each doing its bit in this vast and vibrant and multicultural and multispecies community called My Body. The language of blood and bile, the flow of the warp and woof, skin is hair is nails is the uninterrupted coating of your digestive tract, from your ruby lips to that brown pucker we pretend to disown. One solid skin, from there to the inside of your ear. That’s why we can hear our own farts so well I’m sure, it’s all the same inside-out sausage of a skin, tongue-tip to mons Venus and everything in between those. A pliant, multifaceted skin bag with a hole through it like some weird donut, the hole being really long and squiggly and halfway filled with, uhm, let’s call it brown jam. The bag itself is full of those wonderful humours and substances and physicals and holism. You want to hear the best part? Of all those different juices flowing around you, if we had to remove the microbes and viruses and other autonomous creatures from your humours, the pile would weigh more than the ‘physicals’ left behind. Holyism resides externally, somewhere between the fleshy protuberances around the sphincter, in the left behind, so to speak. Isn’t that fun, you are a donut filled with brown jam, and your bun has been baked using gazillions of little bugs and a bit of phlegm. And this you want to control with a little bottle of pills and a handful of herbs? Please.

 

To have an idea of how herbs do work, Greenpets imagines something between communication of/between/because of/ mitochondria and the effect of the humours on the doctrine of signatures. Harvesting herbs is not a ritual, it is a mutual contract.

 

All we at Greenpets have to add to this observation, is that plants also have humours and souls and so on, and if you can get close enough to them, and you get the juices and things to communicate, they all seem to remind each other of better days, and that is what we call systemic support. All you still have to add is some holism to keep it all together, and Bob will be your uncle a whole lot longer. Maybe he should donate some money to that research foundation that is trying to get medical science to demystify the glands. Oh, no, they don’t exist? How shocking, yawn. I had to look up the spelling of endocrinology, but for a real kotch, go see the mission statement of the Endocrine Society. They certainly claim no mandate to serve humanity.

 

 Pesticides are destroying our hormonal systems, and hormones are the words of the language of blood, and blood is one of the many substances that make up the humours and the physical cannot do without the humours flowing in/around/through our very being, carrying the holism to keep it all together. Your first act of holism is to responsibly get rid of all those handy poisons in your house. Start with the stuff in the fridge, and those pretty bottles and things full of fingerlickin’ fabulousness. MSG, artificial sweeteners, flavour enhancers, preservative carcinogens and carcinogenic preserves.  Then start cleaning up around your house. It took them ten years to wean us off lead-based paints, our only defence against mass irradiation from cell towers, but to ban a substance that kills all plants on contact would be bad for the economy? Then start thinking about all those health care providers out there with shares in the insecticide/herbicide/genocide industry. That’s where holism starts, and people who take positive charge of their humours stand a statistically significant better chance of surviving weaponised dis-eases like cancer.

 

As the Health Care Providers are getting greedier, so the government spends less on hospitals and medicine. They may explain it as privatisation, which means the government stands back and is not allowed to interfere or do anything at all to ‘compromise profits’. Rural clinics all over Africa have been closed down so they do not interfere with Bill and Mandy Gates’ private hospitals with which they are ‘aiding’ Africa. The vaccination drive that comes with this privatisation is also a ‘gift’, for which your government has to match cent-for-cent the cost of the vaccine drive. So, you make up a fix of 25 cent dope, sell it to yourself at ten bucks, and offer it as a gift to some poor deserving country. Then you bribe a senior government official in that country to match your ‘gift’ cent-for-cent, so you can pretend to pre-infect twice as many kiddies on your humanist vaccine drive. Isn’t Bill such a moral giant? What would the world do without his billions?  Stay alive? Uncle Bill believes -has publicly stated- that the world should have no more than 300 million people. That is about four percent of current numbers. How do you think he plans to kill the rest of us? Well, he is very well invested in the Health Care Industry; he actually makes more money off vaccines than computers now. Mostly through the health aid scam just explained.

 

Oh, and Bill Gates is the Chief Evangelist for Monsanto, the guys that bring us GMOs, RoundUp and all-round failed crops for the poor. And now Monsanto, the company that made Agent Orange, is conglomerating with Bayer, the people that brought us morphine as children’s cough medicine. Progress, that is. Don’t take these people lightly; they spend more on medically important research than all the Health Care Service Providers of the world combined, they employ more and better scientists and they own most of the health product industry, the food industry and soon, soon, they will have the formula to that holy water Saint John describes so ineloquently. Twice he mentions the world visiting Jerusalem annually, just to get them some holy water or perish. I don’t know which of their products you use and what it does to you, but I’ll tell you what Monsanto’s pervasive pollution of our food chain does for my humours, it really makes my piss bitter.