Athlete’s Foot is a terrible disfigurement and disgusting pestilence. There are many creams available, some more expensive than others, many of them actually work. The sad part, as always with industrial medicaments, is that the ‘better’ it works, the more likely something in there is not good for the body as a live ecosystem, a holistic whole. Anti-fungal medications are, by definition, deadly to fungi. The fungus family is well represented in the body, irreplaceably intertwined with the collective consciousness that forms the corpus humanus. The indiscriminate killing of fungi in the human body is never a good idea, and may lead to mental aberrations later on, like recurring feelings that life would be better if some young man kicks a ball at some target during some weekly ritual or another.

Luckily, the body comes with its own cure for athlete’s foot: a sulphurous concoction of uric acid and water. The easiest, safest, some say quickest (except for the very most ‘better’ expensive creams) way to treat athlete’s foot is as follows:

In the morning, before you do anything else, you usually have a pee, right? No? Then you are severely dehydrated, probably sniffle a lot, suffer terrible headaches, and you probably feel tired all the time while never getting to fall asleep properly. Drink some fresh water before you go to bed, keep some at your bedside, and have a good swig as you wake up. That should change many things for the better, and allow you to treat your fungal infection which probably found you an easy target, being all sickly and un-energised through lack of water. Anyway, your first task of the day is to get your fresh urine onto your infected feet. In the shower it is easy to pretend you are not being disgusting by standing inside the waterfall while treating your foot just outside the curtain of falling water. Once your bladder is empty, wait a while for your foot to dry before you pull it under the water to wash.

Another, slightly more or less disgusting method, is to pee in a container, then soak your infection while it is still fresh. Use a flat pan large enough to fit your foot/feets, pour the pee over, let it soak for a minute, go wash your foot. NEVER WASH BODILY FLUIDS WITH HOT WATER! Cold water will rinse just about anything your body can produce. Just use cold water to rinse your feet after treatment, promise, it leaves no stains, smells or sensations, but it will clear even bad infections within a week or two. After washing your foot, cover the sores with Sourfig and let dry before putting on proper clean cotton socks and dry shoes. Avoid all moisture build-up on your feet, and foot-powder is a good investment if you are going to insist sharing wet bathroom floors with strangers…

Walking barefoot is always better than tying your feet up in nylon, plastic and suchlike airtight coffins that allows no breathing for you skin. Also, your friends with bare feet are not likely to infect you with foot-eating fungi under the pretence of sportsmanship.

Good luck, hope you are not too disgusted. Promise it works, though, and here’s a little aside: the younger the person donating the urine, the better it works. The urine of pre-pubescent boys are considered most desirable, while the first morning pee of a baby boy is commonly applied to sties and eye infections. The spittle of virgin girls is another health aid in this class, but that we will keep for some other day.