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An attempt to stem the tide of genocide disguised as food and medicine.
You cannot deny the urge, the urge that brings even Superman to his knees. Then, you sit down, and nothing happens. Some people have real difficulty getting going, and worst of it all is, the harder it gets, the harder it becomes, until you feel like stuffed death. If it gets real bad, your breath can start smelling real shitty, but mostly constipation leads to discomfort, then nausea, then toxic overdose and progressive disaster and flatulence. Pooping is not just for any a-hole, and modern life is making it harder.
Some people spend more time on potty training their dog than they spend on their own digestive system. As other articles on this site point out, the digestive tract is a conscious entity, containing not only its own neuro-receptors, but also communicating with the brain on a dedicated communication channel, so to speak. Your health, your wellness, your mood, your very character is directly influenced by the goings-on inside that long, squiggly hole between your lips and your toilet bowl. Not pooping right can give you a shitty disposition…
Also, falling behind in the business of your behind, is sure to tax your liver, giving rise to lethargy and nausea, in other words, feeling shitty. If you keep this going for a long time, your health will definitely take a knock, and there is also a solid-looking theory that constipation, if allowed to ferment, sends a farty bubbly up your spine, to your brain, where it gives rise to shitty ideas. This may or may not be true, but why risk it, right? So take a dump every day, early as possible, before breakfast, and everything should be all right. Of cause, you are reading this because you are having issues and hoping we got some usable advice, so let’s get to it:
Are you drinking enough water? Dehydration can cause your waste to compact and harden slightly. Even more important is greens. Are you eating greens? You really should, and fruit also helps a lot to loosen the tummy. A waking-up coffee helps to get the day going, if you take my meaning. Make it a strong one, it really helps. Beyond coffee there is a variety of commercial help, none of which is beneficial in the long run. After fixing your diet, water intake and getting addicted to coffee, there is one more bit of advice to depart, the real reason for this article: Are you pooping in the right posture?
Here is the thing about sitting down and dropping the load: all modern toilets are made to standard. This may mean your toilet seat is not at the optimal height for your body to have a goodly poopy. First of all, do not hunch. Do not lean forward and squat on your own lap. Sit up straight, your back should not bend. Put something (like a brick) under your feet, so your knees are higher than your bum. I bet the Muslims have it very comfortably, I’ve seen their loos at petrol stations; like squatting over a hole in the bush. You don’t get much better than that, let me tell you! So, sit up straight, lift your knees a little, and BREATHE! This is very important, stop pushing your poop out by force; it just causes more stress to an already unhappy system. All the necessary force needed to evacuate the bowels comes from the diaphragm pushing from above. All other forms of ‘pushing’ compresses the guts in an unhealthy and counterproductive way, actually closing the passage down, rather than just loosening up and letting go.
Another thing is that the bladder also plays a part. When the bladder is very full, it constricts the faeces. When you are overstuffed in your poopchannel, your bladder cannot void. This builds into the classic bathroom emergency. Another thing you can try is to get up. No, really, you are stuck anyway, it’s not like it’s gonna all fall out suddenly, so get up, shake a leg, maybe do a squat or two. This often gets things going rather quickly, so don’t pull your pants up and be ready to sit down suddenly. The chances of pooping before you had a pee, by the way, are little.
The order should be as follows: A slight pee to top off the worst pressure, if needed, then the bowels should be free to move, and then you know you’re done when you have one last, good pee. Any deviation from this is bound to lead to trouble later. Try not to pinch things off in any manner or way, do not push, pull, pucker or whatever, just sit up straight, lift your knees , breathe deeply, and relax all the muscles in your body. It may also help to blow your nose, the internal pressure caused by a vigorous honk can be very helpful. If needed, get up and shake the body a bit, in a relaxation-exercise kind of way. Avoid stress, tension and forcefulness. These things, like medication and laxatives, may help in the short run, but in the end it just worsens the problem, and that’s a shitty idea, don’t you stink?
Treating skin wounds start by diagnosing the problem. For this reason, we may divide this article into subsections according to diagnoses, or causes, or skin symptoms of a vast variety. Instead we will divide our treatments into two types: Dry wounds and wet wounds. Dry wounds may be distinguished by the fact that they are not festering or oozing some goo. Bleeding from a fresh wound is considered as ‘dry’. Dry wounds are best kept clean and dry and well aired. Fresh dry wounds have a fairly well proven protocol:
Clean the wound immediately. No matter how bad it is bleeding, sometimes blood is the only liquid available for getting debris out the wound. All other attempts to repair damage will be negated by the festering of dirt inside a bandaged wound. The most bestest substance to wash a wound with was and is always water. Clean water, but the stuff they feed you through your house’s taps will do in an emergency. If the wound is still bleeding by this time, you need serious help. Start by applying pressure, not a tourniquet.
Finding the right point to press may take some time, but if the wound is bleeding badly, there must be a large vein open, which can be closed down by pressing it shut before it exits the wound. This should allow time for further treatment. At GREENPETS, this implies you are reaching for the Sphagnum Moss. Some of our friends and colleagues who have seen us demonstrate the efficacy of this stuff, refer to it as Magic Moss. Cover the wound liberally in the moss. This will soak up blood and keep the wound uninfected.
Here be some warning about using sphagnum moss: you are obviously in distress (wounded) and depending upon the severity of you wound, on your way to find medical assistance. When you approach a trained professional with a wound stuffed with something that looks like mud, you will be treated as an idiot. Also, the quick healing of a wound bandaged with moss necessitates very quick secondary treatment to prevent scars. In other words, as soon as the wound stops bleeding, you have to remove every last bit of moss, and get stitched up. If not, the gaping wound will heal quickly and cleanly, but with a wider scar than if it got stitched.
Sphagnum Moss is easily removed from a wound by gentle splashing with water. That’s it, it comes off very easily, and it simultaneously scrubs the wound of other small debris. Keeping the wound bandaged with moss instead of other salves, ointments and concoctions, will keep your wound breathing clean healing air, while soaking up any fluids that may ooze, which would otherwise irritate surrounding skin. Also, changing bandages becomes less yucky with those funny pussy fluids of normal treatments, except that the dried moss may fall like potting soil all over, the slightest breeze scatters it. What’s left on the wound just rinses off, remember. Good luck sweeping the carpet, though…
Then, there are the wet wounds. An example would be the patch of skin torn off your knee in the parking lot football game. Fresh wet wounds are treated like dry wounds, and if you gone done it proper, it should not become a wet wound. After cleaning the wound, which should be easier and less bloody work than a deep cut, the wound can be covered in the juice of Sourfig. This will disinfect and also dry into a thin protective payer. Keep the wound clean and breathing, with regular applications of Sourfig. Instructions for the correct application of sourfig can be found at the Sourfig Herbal Page.
Once the wound has dried nicely, and can be kept open and free, a generous layer of Aloe Vera can be applied. This will quickly dry into a thin, soft, pliable protective layer over the skin. This will keep the wound clean, protect the new scar tissue against light and stress, reducing or even preventing scarring after the wound heals. There is no reason to stop applying Aloe after the wound has healed; keep it up until you are sure there is no more improvement in the appearance of the scar. This is not cosmetic surgery, scar tissue means healing, but scar tissue is new-born baby skin, it should be treated no more harshly than you would a new-born baby’s skin. Sunburn turns a fresh, treatable scar into permanent disfigurement.
For old, green, festering wounds, things become tricky; people with such wounds very often have given up trying to find ‘anything that works’. Sometimes the cause is financial, or just a question of access. In all cases, the wound is old, which means the patient has sorta gotten used to living with the wound. This may or may not mean that they will co-operate. By this time, any offer of help will surely be met with scepticism, as ‘everyone has already tried’. You first task is to get past the hopelessness. Both the refusal of help and the demand for immediate results to prove your competency must be taken in the context of a desperate person who has obviously ‘tried everything’. Do not get pulled into the despair, because the next step will surely need your energy more:
Getting past the green smell of an old wound is no walk in the park. All living organisms retreat from its own kind if it stinks of death. Breathe not too deeply of the death-smell, it has effects more than just wrinkling your nose. Kind begets kind, remember. Next, you must convince the patient that the thing needs cleaning. Any skins and scabs and things on the surface has to be removed, with repeated washing with water, clean water, sterile water if you can. A good soak in salt water may be helpful, otherwise repeated sponging or brushing. If available, make a tea of one or more, preferably all the following: Lavender, thyme, sage and rosemary. These are available in most urban neighbourhoods as garden plants, and in shops as cooking herbs. GREENPETS prefer their tea herbals fresh, purely by reason of knowing exactly what we have in hand. Scrub the wound clean with this tea, convince the patient to keep washing the wound thusly, and also have the patient drink the tea twice a day as systemic support to aid healing. Cold sores and open ulcers respond well to this treatment.
After cleaning an old green wound of all putrefied matter, disinfect with sourfig. Dust with moss and bandage if needed. At all cost avoid getting a wound all sweaty and fermenting. The trick is to keep the wound open to air while keeping infection out, and bacterial infectors are microscopic.
For wounds where scarring would be cosmetically disastrous, keep your treatment to first aid, get the patient to professional help, and try rinse off the moss before you send them in. The good doctors will do the expensive things needed to prevent any prettiness escaping through the laceration. Trust me, you do not want to be saddled with the accusations that you ruined a pretty thing. They will only remember the scar, not the gratitude for saving their life or limb. If the good doctor kills them, that’s life, if you scar them, you are an evil incompetent, beware their lawyers.
Athlete’s Foot is a terrible disfigurement and disgusting pestilence. There are many creams available, some more expensive than others, many of them actually work. The sad part, as always with industrial medicaments, is that the ‘better’ it works, the more likely something in there is not good for the body as a live ecosystem, a holistic whole. Anti-fungal medications are, by definition, deadly to fungi. The fungus family is well represented in the body, irreplaceably intertwined with the collective consciousness that forms the corpus humanus. The indiscriminate killing of fungi in the human body is never a good idea, and may lead to mental aberrations later on, like recurring feelings that life would be better if some young man kicks a ball at some target during some weekly ritual or another.
Luckily, the body comes with its own cure for athlete’s foot: a sulphurous concoction of uric acid and water. The easiest, safest, some say quickest (except for the very most ‘better’ expensive creams) way to treat athlete’s foot is as follows:
In the morning, before you do anything else, you usually have a pee, right? No? Then you are severely dehydrated, probably sniffle a lot, suffer terrible headaches, and you probably feel tired all the time while never getting to fall asleep properly. Drink some fresh water before you go to bed, keep some at your bedside, and have a good swig as you wake up. That should change many things for the better, and allow you to treat your fungal infection which probably found you an easy target, being all sickly and un-energised through lack of water. Anyway, your first task of the day is to get your fresh urine onto your infected feet. In the shower it is easy to pretend you are not being disgusting by standing inside the waterfall while treating your foot just outside the curtain of falling water. Once your bladder is empty, wait a while for your foot to dry before you pull it under the water to wash.
Another, slightly more or less disgusting method, is to pee in a container, then soak your infection while it is still fresh. Use a flat pan large enough to fit your foot/feets, pour the pee over, let it soak for a minute, go wash your foot. NEVER WASH BODILY FLUIDS WITH HOT WATER! Cold water will rinse just about anything your body can produce. Just use cold water to rinse your feet after treatment, promise, it leaves no stains, smells or sensations, but it will clear even bad infections within a week or two. After washing your foot, cover the sores with Sourfig and let dry before putting on proper clean cotton socks and dry shoes. Avoid all moisture build-up on your feet, and foot-powder is a good investment if you are going to insist sharing wet bathroom floors with strangers…
Walking barefoot is always better than tying your feet up in nylon, plastic and suchlike airtight coffins that allows no breathing for you skin. Also, your friends with bare feet are not likely to infect you with foot-eating fungi under the pretence of sportsmanship.
Good luck, hope you are not too disgusted. Promise it works, though, and here’s a little aside: the younger the person donating the urine, the better it works. The urine of pre-pubescent boys are considered most desirable, while the first morning pee of a baby boy is commonly applied to sties and eye infections. The spittle of virgin girls is another health aid in this class, but that we will keep for some other day.
Cold sores are better prevented than cured. Never kiss anyone showing cold sores, do not con other people to kiss you while your infection is flaring up.
Cold sores are actually lesions caused by herpes viruses. Sometimes, when your immune system is under stress, a virus may overcome your defences and cause an area of soft tissue to become inflamed. Left to grow, it will eventually burst to the surface as a roundish, flat, wet, oozing wound. This sore may be an ugly reddish purple blotch just outside your mouth, or it might open inside your mouth, a swollen sensitive burning bump that keeps getting in the way of your teeth. This is usually how you discover the darn thing; biting your own inner lip to shreds.
Your first duty, as with all injuries, is to clean up the site. The outside is simple enough: you wash your entire face, because the fluids coming off that sore has a habit of infecting more places. Now seal up the wound with Sourfig, as follows:
Break a finger off the sourfig plant, lightly squeeze the torn end to produce some free juice, then lightly dab the sore with the juicy end, ONCE. Carefully nip off the open end of the leaf, because it is infected. Squeeze again for juice, dab once on the sore, covering more of the wound, nip off the leaf. Repeat this until the entire wound, and at least half a centimetre around it, is covered in a thick layer of juice. This will quickly harden into a clear, invisible skin that is not only disinfectant, but will keep all sorts of dirt off the wound, preventing scars.
Blisters inside the mouth are somewhat more difficult. First, do your best not to bite the sore continuously. Secondly, keep your mouth clean of al sugars and starch, that is what fungus eat and thrive on. The good news is that your body replaces the inner lining of your mouth extremely quickly, so scrub that thing clean, then keep your mouth clean, and the saliva should eat that blister away within a day, two at most. Of course, eating right, with proper nutrition, and lots of fresh fruit and greens to scrub the mouth is important.
Once the wound is clean and dry, you next step is to recharge your immune system. You will know your immunity has increased when the cold sore starts clearing up. The more you do to restore your health and wellness, the quicker the ugly thing will disappear. Wellness is about eating right, drinking plenty clean water, productive exercise, such as fetching on foot what you usually start the car for, or weeding the garden yourself, or just fixing the kid’s bike. Being productive is good for the human soul, and wellness includes happiness. Cold sores are as likely to appear in times of emotional stress as in times of physical weakness. Once again; wellness is about eating, drinking and working clean. What you eat, your state of electrolytic mobility (hydration) and your activities have immediate and provable effects upon your brain, hormones and psyche, while the condition of your psyche has no other manifestation than your physical body and what you accomplish with it. We are what we eat…
An easy recipe for a passable skin cream
Collect Aloe Vera gel as described in the HERBAL. The amount of gel you collect determines the quantities that follow:
Half as much aqueous cream. Choose any brand you are comfortable with, we recommend you research some of the additives on the labels. Avoiding them is an exercise worthy of any holist, but everything comes at a price.
Water, distilled battery water is okay, also half as much as you have aloe gel.
Put all this into a liquefier that has been sterilised with a bleach solution. Let it run at top speed until everything turns into a stiff cream. Bottle in sterile container, use like any other cream.
This cream contains no preservatives, and will last one week. Microwaving the cream, then re-emulsifying it once cooled down, extends life but is still not as effective as the commercial cocktails we are trying to avoid. The cream, however, covers extremely well, and draws into the skin with minimal or no oiliness, adjustable by putting more or less cold cream into the mix.
The odour is that of green plant and whatever your commercial cream smells like, but both odours seems to dissipate quickly.
While we make no claims or promises for this cream, it sure works well to sooth irritable skin and it is gentle on rashes and soft skin, especially thóse areas. Research on turning this into a beauty product continues, for now it is just a healthy clean skin cream, provided you choose the aqueous cream well.
I tell you now about a reviled weed, infesting the lawns of the respectable garden-proud gardener who deserves respect for his lawn in his garden. Phooie, I tell you! I am here to extoll the virtues of a flower so wonderful, so magical, so magnificent and glorious, it survives despite the best efforts of the murderous chemical-strewing lawn-slavers of the garden elite. I tell you about Taraxacum Officionale. I tell you about the weed of the Lion's Teeth, I present to your mind's eye, (oh, sorry, there's a picture over there), the mighty, the great, the uncontested medicinal weed...
There is no warm-blooded animal on the Greenpets farm that dislikes honey. There is no substance, no matter how distasteful, that cannot be fed to an animal, provided it has enough honey in it, on it or around it. A dollop of honey at the bottom of a drinking bowl is motivation enough for a dog to slurp trough the bitterest medicinal tea, for is the treasure under there not worth the bit of goo I have to lick out of the way? Of course it is, it is pure, raw, unadulterated non-irradiated food of the gods, and I’m gonna get me some.